How should a wife act towards her husband during a marital separation?

I often hear from wives who are in the midst of a marital separation that they want to get it over with as quickly as possible. To that end, many want to make sure they are acting in a way that is intended to get their husband to come home and commit to the marriage. And many worry about how they are being perceived during the separation. They don’t want to say or do anything (or act in such a way) that makes a reconciliation less likely.

I recently heard from a wife who was confused about the best way to act with her husband while they were apart. Being apart and not knowing what was going to happen to her marriage had depressed and scared her, but she knew intuitively that allowing him to see the full extent of this might not be her best idea.

She said, in part, “I’m not sure how to act around my husband while we’re apart. The truth is I’m scared, angry, depressed and insecure about this whole process, but my friends tell me I should act like it’s all I can do.” I’m told I should pretend I don’t care too much and try to act like I’m trusting the process all the time Part of me understands that focusing on the positive, but another part of me feels this is dishonest and wrong. playing. My husband knows me very well. He knows I didn’t want the breakup and probably has a pretty good idea of ​​how devastated I am. Acting differently than this just seems wrong to me. But I’m willing to try anything to make it happen. He ends the separation. I will act or say whatever is necessary to save my marriage. What is the best way for a wife to act towards her husband while separated?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

You don’t want to abandon your true self while apart any more than you want to act in any way that isn’t believable: Many people who contact me reflect the concerns of this wife. They have read or heard that you should act nonchalant while ignoring your spouse. In other words, many people will try to use reverse psychology or play hardball to get it in the hope that it will make their spouse love them more.

Therefore, they will test themselves on another person or say or do things that feel completely foreign to them (and are quite difficult to pull off convincingly). In my opinion and experience, this can be as big a mistake as focusing. in your depression and fear. No one wants to feel manipulated or cheated. But that’s how your spouse is likely to feel in the very likely event that they find out what they’re doing. And, if you’re trying out a different persona that’s so far removed from who you really are, chances are your spouse will see exactly what you’re doing and not respond very positively. When this happens, you’ve just made your job that much harder because now they approach everything you do or say (and every statement you make) with suspicion and doubt.

While I agree that there is a right and wrong way to act towards your husband while you are apart, you should never take this so far as to try to act like someone you are not or to be completely dishonest. I think it’s perfectly fine to focus on the positive and flip reality to its best advantage, but many take this too far and it actually has the opposite effect of what they were aiming for all along.

Allowing your husband to see a strong, assertive, vibrant version of yourself is different from denying the truth, pretending you don’t care about him, or implying that you want a breakup that you don’t really support: When I say that many people take this too far, what I mean is that many wives will try to make their husbands believe that they just don’t care about the separation or that they think it’s a fabulous idea. First, this is a dangerous game to play if there’s a chance you can’t pull it off. Second, I believe and observe that this can sometimes backfire when you take it too far.

I think it’s better to focus on a more polished and positive version of the truth. There’s no need to pretend to support the breakup if it really is the worst case scenario (although you shouldn’t always insist on this, either). It’s potentially damaging to your relationship if you pretend you don’t care enough about your spouse. feeling hurt or scared about the breakup (and this probably doesn’t ring a bell with your spouse anyway).

At the same time, you don’t want to focus so much on your sadness and fears that it becomes a negative experience for your spouse every time they try to interact with you. Because this will sometimes make a reconciliation much less likely. People generally don’t want to spend a lot of time with another person who constantly brings them down. As much as possible, you want to choose positive topics to focus your attention on when you are around your spouse. Your spouse is expected to know that you didn’t want the separation and that you’re not exactly hugging now. But there’s a big difference between the truth being there and thinking about it so much that it’s always the elephant in the room that abruptly stops any progress you might otherwise have made.

When you’re separated, you don’t want or need your husband’s pity. The goal is not for him to come home because you have made it clear that you cannot or do not want to live without him. (This sets up a very shaky foundation that is likely to crumble as soon as he finds himself in another tough spot.) you can and did relate in a positive, genuine, and healthy way during the breakup.

Show your husband the positive but genuine version of yourself that you know he will respond to during the separation: I know that focusing on the positive so that your husband will respond in kind is easier said than done. I know it’s hard to appear to be coping and staying as optimistic as you can while your heart is breaking. But keep asking yourself if, if the roles were reversed, you yourself would respond positively to the person you’re exhibiting.

I always suggest avoiding topics that will be difficult to navigate convincingly, at least at first. It’s also very important to stay busy so that when you’re together, it’s clear that you weren’t sitting at home falling apart and waiting for the next meeting. You have to ask yourself who your husband is going to respond to best right now. The answer is probably some part of you that he loves dearly but hasn’t seen much lately.

To do this convincingly, you usually have to surround yourself with experiences, people, and things that support you, make you smile, and allow you to project this to others. Doing this may seem selfish or even self-indulgent when your marriage is on the line, but the reality is often quite the opposite. Because this is what will allow her to genuinely project the positive, coping personality that is most likely to make her husband respond correctly and allow her to deal with it in the most genuine way possible. I know it’s tempting to sit at home and sulk or focus on your fears and what you don’t have. But I promise you that you will usually get better results if you put in the effort and focus on the positive things that you have.