Stepmoms: Act like you’re a mom

“You are not my mom!”

Have you ever heard that? While my kids may not have said those exact words, the message was there in other things they said or the way they acted.

When my husband, Tom, and I first got married, we were very conscious of reassuring them that I was not replacing their mother. Having had parents who were divorced and having a stepmom in my life, I understood what they were feeling. She wanted to be like the really cool aunt: shopping, having fun, planning birthday parties, and making her favorite foods for dinner. However, over time, I began to notice that in my efforts to NOT be her mom, she was having a lot of trouble!

They didn’t fully consider me as a father figure in their life, just as daddy’s new wife. I felt like a big sister! There was what I would call a twisted form of sibling rivalry. They would say things like “Well, DAD said…!”, which was another way of saying “You’re not my mother!” I was lost because I thought what we were doing would be for the best and throughout my research most of the “experts” said that I had no authority or rights over them anyway.

My relationship with the girls was still very difficult, my husband and I regularly argued about them, most of which was about parenting. I felt helpless, so I thought about trying to be a father through him. He would resist because he was exhausted from being the only one to discipline and take care of his ex when problems arose. I felt like he was “gossiping” at the kids all the time…get what I mean? Big Sister Syndrome!

Something unexpected also began to happen.

A lot of times when I was out with the girls, people would refer to “my daughters” and I, or the girls, always seemed to be explaining that we weren’t biologically related. Sometimes the girls would ask questions or make references to what it would have been like if they were mine. I realized that while they didn’t want me to replace their mother, they did want to feel like they were special to me. I could tell that they had confusion inside their little minds.

Do you remember being in school and wanting to be your teacher’s favorite student? Deep down, once children realize you’re not going anywhere, there’s a part of them that would like to be considered special in your eyes, but this creates internal turmoil because then they would be “betraying” their father. biological… .or so they think. Also, you may have been building up some resentment towards your steps, causing you to become emotionally disconnected.

When families blend, things get so messy and messy in part because we focus most of our efforts on clearly defining who is and who is not a parent. The reality is that your relationship with your stepchild(ren) is unique in itself.

I decided I was going to do something different. I began to act “AS IF” they were my children. This changed everything! I started to raise them, which means being a good parent partnering with your spouse, becoming equal in decision making so that neither of you is the main disciplining.

Below is a list of 5 things you can implement to it changes their attitude about who you are to them.

1. First decide on the “house rules” together, and then share them with your children together. In those family discussions, make sure the children get a clear message that the decision comes from both of you and that you agree. This includes the implementation of these 5 guidelines. Talk to your spouse about this and come to a joint agreement that incorporates the wishes of both of you as parents.
2. Be sure to spend time with them one-on-one for fun time, not just when “Dad” or “Mom” is around. This will give you time to nurture your individual relationship with each child and create special memories for years to come.
3. Ask yourself “If they were mine, what would I want for them?” This is probably one of the most important practices. It will remind you to reconnect with them and remember that they are just kids trying to figure things out.
4. He stopped referring to them as “step” and simply called them “my children”. He always uses “my girls” since I have many. This subtle choice of words will reinforce that everyone is part of a family and that they are special. In fact, depending on the age of the children, I suggest you think of a nickname that they can call you by instead of your first name. This will help identify you as a different type of relationship in her life, like calling a grandmother Nana.
5. Develop a working relationship with your spouse’s ex. We started calling Tom’s ex-wife our “wife-in-law” (title courtesy of a good friend of ours, J), which reminded us that we share the parenting with two other people who love them so much and have their best. interests at heart too. Although our children are now adults, she and I still refer to each other as wives-in-law!

No child likes to be told what to do, but over time, my children began to show me as much respect as their birth parents and began to understand that they are special to me and that I wasn’t going anywhere.

So the next time your stepson rebels and says things like “I’m not your daughter!” Your response might be “I understand. I like to think of you as my daughter that I share with other parents.”