How do I act confident or sure of myself with my cheating and cheating spouse?

It is almost universally accepted that a woman who has a cheating husband is a woman who is going to struggle with confidence and self-esteem. I must admit that I have known women who stood firm in the knowledge that they were wonderful people who did nothing wrong. A neighbor and close friend once said of her husband and his self-esteem: “Why should I change my view of myself? The problem is with him, not with me. He is the one whose self-confidence should take a hit. I am worried, I have all the cards. I can say what happens with our marriage and with our life.” I used to envy this prospect, especially in the beginning. Because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t adopt it myself.

Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t my fault. I also knew that technically nothing in me had changed and so I shouldn’t feel “less than.” But I couldn’t shake all those nasty worries that came into my mind, like, “I’m getting older and there’s not much you can do to turn back the clock.” Or “maybe I’ve gotten boring and not as exciting to be around since I became a mom.” Or “how can I compete with younger, enthusiastic, naive women in my husband’s office?” All these worries undermined my self-esteem.

And I know I’m not alone. I have wives who contact me and tell me that their self-esteem and confidence have taken a huge hit after finding out about their husband’s affair. They might say things like, “I admit I don’t look exactly like the day my husband married me. But who does? And normally, I’d give myself a break for this. But I feel like my appearance may have come into play in terms of my husband’s affair. I wonder if he would have looked outside of our marriage if I had been thinner or more attentive. I admit that most of what I talk about these days centers on childcare. And now I wonder if my husband just thinks I’m dumb and boring. He says he wants to save our marriage and says I’m as beautiful and interesting as I ever have been. He seems to be trying to communicate sincerely. But I have a hard time believing him. If all this If true, why would he have cheated on me? When I’m with my husband, sometimes I find it hard to look him in the eye. I’ve caught myself starring at my feet sometimes. My husband is a successful person. He’s very smart. His brain is always on working. I feel that p You can put me down because all I do is stay home with the kids. When I told this to my mom, she told me that she needed to drop this attitude and raise my confidence level soon because no man is ever going to be attracted to someone who doubts himself. She says that when I act like she’s not good enough, my husband might eventually start to believe it.”

I agree with your mother. Presenting yourself as “less than” to both her husband and yourself doesn’t help anyone. It’s not fair to you and it’s not exact either. That being said, I know how difficult it can be to act or pretend to be confident when you don’t feel confident. But I learned that you really have to try. In this case, you really have to fake it until you make it. If you go around presenting yourself exactly how you feel, then you are walking around as someone who is insecure, broken, and only partially whole. That’s not who you are and not how you should view yourself (especially when it’s not you who did something wrong).

I can and will share a few things that helped me regain some of my confidence, but you just have to play around with different things until you find what works for you. I took inventory of the things that bothered me individually (and not the things that I perceived would bother my husband). For example, when I evaluated the concern that I was too old, I looked at things objectively and told myself that this was something that was not really valid. Aside from looking my best and trying to maintain my zest and energy for life, I just didn’t feel comfortable pretending to be younger than I was or trying to be someone I’m not. My husband is very aware of my age. I can’t fool him into thinking I’m younger. I can look as good as it is possible for me to look. And I can stay in shape to be healthy. But part of being healthy is not dwelling on it. And it’s not respecting myself to envy my life experience.

One thing I did not discount, however, was the feeling that I was isolating myself through parenthood. Please don’t misunderstand this. I adore my children and consider parenting one of the main reasons I am on this Earth. But I decided to take a few classes just to continue using my intellect in other ways to boost my confidence. It felt good knowing that if something happened to my marriage, I could take care of myself. And I think that made both my husband and I respect each other more.

I addressed parts of my appearance and dress that made me happy. I didn’t make changes based on what I thought my husband might want. I made changes based on what he wanted. I think this is a very important distinction. I made changes that made me feel good. When you feel good, it’s much easier to project confidence because you really feel it.

Again, these things are going to be very individual. I can’t tell what’s bothering you when you’re objectively determining where you lack confidence. But we all have these places. The matter simply throws a light on them. They were already there, but now they intensify, of course. So now is the time to address them and know that you should never allow anyone to see you or treat you as “less than”, and that includes yourself. Do your best to keep your head up and project confidence, and true confidence will eventually come.