Emotional Abuse in Marriage

More often, the spouses try to impose their will on the other by resorting to negative criticism, threats and insults. However, all this is done in the name of cooperation and love. It is a fact that emotional abuse is a common denominator in many marriages. However, the irony is that most of the time both the abuser and the victim are unaware of the fact that their marriage is affected by the emotional abuse.

This is because emotional abuse often means one thing to the victim and another to the abuser. Both the abuser and the victim play an important role in this vicious cycle. On the one hand, the abuser is both a coward and a bully. He exposes his partner to such inhumane treatment because he is sure there will be no serious repercussions for this act on his part. On the other hand, the victim, many times out of ignorance or for the sake of marriage, plays the role of a passive martyr.

What is needed is a higher level of awareness on the part of both spouses to save each other from this common vice. Any constructive relationship must be based on mutual respect and understanding and a genuine concern for the views, beliefs and opinions of others.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse often comes in the form of a bulky package. These are a variety of behaviors meant to strike at the heart and soul of the victim in order to gain effective control over them. The various attributes of emotional abuse are:

a) Isolation

Many times the abuser tries to isolate the victim socially to make her dependent on herself for her basic social needs and aspirations. A series of restrictions and controls are imposed on the victim, in order to have control over her social life. It is the abuser who often decides who the victim will interact with and what friends she will socialize with. Any external social support system poses a threat and challenge to the abuser’s authority over the victim. The abuser may often deliberately insult the victim’s friends and family in order to scare them away. The abuser may resort to emotional blackmail, mood swings, tantrums, and denial of communication to impose her will on the victim. She may resort to active spying on the victim and may openly question her loyalty to the marriage. This is invariably accompanied by unreasonable demands on him/her. The chain of events may include controlling the victim, depriving her of any means of transportation or communication, inquiring about her daily routine, criticizing her friends and family, etc.

b) Verbal abuse

By verbal abuse we often understand yelling, yelling and insulting, which is very true. However, many times the abuser may not be as blatant in his modus operandi and may resort to a subtle approach through the use of insulting or humiliating unspoken comments. The basic motive is to undermine the victim’s sense of self-esteem and to destroy her self-esteem. Verbal abuse can also include insulting and criticizing the victim’s family, name calling, being sarcastic, threatening, blaming, etc.

c) Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is an extension of emotional abuse in which the abuser uses money as a tool to control the victim. The abuser may deny adequate financial freedom and support to the victim or may place unrealistic financial responsibilities on her shoulders. The abuser may exhibit financially irresponsible behavior to upset or confuse the victim.

Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse

Although emotional abuse, unlike physical abuse, does not leave us with bruised eyes and swollen faces, it is worse than physical abuse. The victim is often unaware that she is being abused and may have her mind and soul battered to the point that she can be held responsible for her situation.

Is divorce a solution?

In the long run, emotional abuse can seriously damage a person’s mental and physical health. Under British law, emotional abuse is a valid ground for divorce and falls within the realm of unreasonable conduct. You have every right to protect yourself and your children from the long-term harm of emotional abuse, even if it means getting divorced.