A man’s thought process when having an affair – here’s a look inside his mind

One of the biggest mysteries for wives after a husband’s affair is what his thought process was just before (or right when) he made the horrible, life-changing decision to cheat.

Many wives will attempt to solve this mystery by asking their husbands directly about their thought process. However, this is often not very satisfactory. Because a husband is rarely completely honest. And this isn’t always because he’s trying to cover up or save both of you some pain. Often it is because you have no idea why you would do this. You can’t always isolate exactly what you were thinking or why you acted.

So without getting the answers she needs, the wife is left alone to speculate. And I find that many times, wives resort to old cliches combined with our worst fears. This is what many wives assume their husband’s thought process is.

Some variation on ‘I wasn’t getting what I needed at home so I’ll buy it elsewhere’: Many wives feel they have no choice but to assume that the affair is a direct reflection of her or their marriage. She will assume that her husband is no longer attracted to her. Or that, if he was, he was more attracted to the other woman.

Or she will assume that the other woman has become so special or unique to her husband that his desire for her outweighed his commitment to his family or his common sense. They take on thought processes like: ‘wow, this other woman is younger and prettier than my wife.’ She offers me something that I can’t and can’t get at home. ‘

Or ‘my wife is cold and my marriage is bad. And now that I’ve found something better, who can blame me for taking advantage of it?

And finally, ‘I am so sorry for this other woman. And finally, I will leave my spouse for her.

With all these potential assumptions, it’s no wonder many wives view affair or cheating as rejection. And it will hurt because it will change the way you see yourself and your marriage.

What if you weren’t “thinking” at all ?: However, in reality, the thoughts described above are so rarely what I hear and feel from husbands. Frankly, I don’t think many husbands have specific, identifiable thoughts that will make them act right before an affair. Instead, I think for the most part, the first act of an adventure is done mostly on impulse. And honestly, many husbands will tell you that they tried to silence their thoughts rather than bring them out. They shut them up to help ease the guilt.

Although I think conscious thoughts are somewhat rare, this is what I think the thought process would be most often if there really were concrete thoughts.

“No one will know. It will be a unique thing. And it will be a Band-Aid.” Many husbands do not cheat with the intention of changing their marriage, regardless of what they tell the other woman. They often find themselves at a point in their lives where they feel unsure of themselves. This is often a point where they feel like they have lost something. They may feel out of your game. Older. Tired. Miss a step. And they often don’t share this with their wives because they are embarrassed.

So when an opportunity presents itself that could make them feel better, they often act on impulse. And when there is that moment between walking away or acting, they may tell themselves that it is something unique that will lead to nothing. However, they reassure themselves that they will not allow anything significant to change.

Of course, I am talking about generalities based on the trends I see. Each person is unique and each situation is different. I’m trying to reassure myself that not all affairs involve a husband rejecting his wife. Many of these same husbands fight very hard to save their marriage and win back their wife after the affair is discovered. Even husbands who think they have fallen in love with the other woman sometimes realize this over time.

My point is that I think it is a mistake to assume that a cheating husband does not love or is not attracted to his wife. This is often not the case. It’s just that he doesn’t think he will lose her or hurt her over this. And you’re acting on impulse, not common sense or good judgment.

So my answer to the question “what do men think when they have an affair?” It is that, often, men do not think at all. And this is the problem. Their thoughts only kick into action after they’ve already made the mistake and done the damage.