Verbal abuse: a sample letter from my own life

Many people don’t even know they are being verbally or emotionally abused. I was one of those people. I thought everyone was being treated like me. I thought everyone was walking on eggshells in fear of how their spouses would react.

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes. They can be a male or a female. They can be a parent or a spouse. I am using my personal example of my ex-husband of twenty-one years of marriage.

There were good days when we could sit and laugh and talk about things that were important to both of us. When those days came, I relaxed and enjoyed myself, but I was always on my guard. When was the next explosion? How would you react? What would you say? Where would the children be? How long could I hold back the tears so my children wouldn’t realize I was crying again?

No one knows what causes an abuser to become hostile. It may be a memory of a past incident that they have experienced. It may be a chemical imbalance. Most of the time, an abuser will yell and scream and become demeaning because they have a sense of defeat and loss of control.

When they are happy, they will plan to have a picnic on the beach or go swimming with the kids. They are always looking for approval because if you don’t comply, there is always a price to pay.

Here is an actual letter I received just a day after my abuser apologized for the pain he caused me. In that same conversation, he cried and begged me to come back to him. He said that when he lost me, he lost everything, and if he can’t get me back, he’ll settle for anything because he hates being alone.

“You crossed the line yesterday… you embarrassed me in front of J… she thinks you have me wrapped around your finger… and that’s how you treat me… like I’m some kind of door.” One of the biggest reasons for fighting with S is my relationship with you…and it seems she has started the same way with J…I won’t let this happen this time…and I will. “I won’t let you take that away from me. It’s always your fault. I’ll go with J. At least she respects me…or at least she did before you walked into that room yesterday…flexing your muscles.”

So now you’re promoted to the bottom of the food chain… Now you’re happy… this is what you’re after… look what happens when you stand up… I still gotta put up with your shit. I can do anything. You are nothing to me. I’m pushing back. You are a chicken. You can’t even fight me. Wait and see now what will happen to you”

If this card rings a bell or strikes a chord with you, you may be in an abusive relationship. The first step to healing is to acknowledge and identify the situation for what it is. If you feel like your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to the clergy, call your local battered women’s shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Don’t let verbal and emotional abuse turn into aggression!