Unilateral Disarmament – The First Step to Improve Communication with Your Teens

Many times, we are so conditioned in the way we speak that we don’t realize whether or not we are communicating effectively with our teens. This is especially true when we are disturbed.

To make sure you’re fostering an environment that will encourage your teen to talk to you, rather than fear you, the first step is to assess your communication style. The way you express yourself and what you say to your teens, especially when you’re angry, can inhibit your relationship with them. Reacting by yelling short, sarcastic phrases will usually turn off most people, including our teenagers.

The following are twelve examples of statements and questions that you should avoid saying:

1. When I was your age

2. What part of the word “NO” do you not understand?

3. Because I say so

4. Who pays the mortgage around here?

5. You are NOT going to go out dressed like this

6. What you see in it, you can do better

7. You kids have it so easy today

8. I didn’t say that

9. You live under my roof, you live by my rules

10. Do you have PMS?

11. When are you going to grow up?

12. This conversation is over

Exercise:

Think of the things you say that are similar to the above and make a list. Then meet with your teen and ask for their opinion. Explain to her that she is doing this because she loves her and wants her to trust you and not be afraid to come to you to discuss things that are important to her. Go through the list, and then ask your teen to add any statements they may have missed. For example, you can say, “Tell me the things I say that you feel are hurtful or keep you from wanting to talk to me about important issues.” Add them to the list and make a mental note of them. Then ask your teen to tell you when she reacts to her behavior and use any of those phrases. Emphasize that improving communications is a “two-way street” and that you will do your part to make things better. Then add that you also hope that she will do her part, as both of you will need efforts to improve communications.

To do

Remember to have a “tough skin” and thank him for his feedback when he provides it, even if he’s angry. The best way to change this reactionary behavior is to try to think before you react and talk more constructively with your teen. Think about how you would have to react at work if a subordinate or co-worker did something to upset you. As angry as you are, you will go out of your way to act professional because your job depends on it. If she reacts and your daughter tells you, thank her and then discuss the issue more constructively because your relationship depends on it.

You also need to establish guidelines with your teen, rather than setting rigid rules that will push them away and create a vicious cycle of miscommunication and resentment.

Unilateral disarming is the first step in showing your teen that you are serious about improving communication with her. When you lead by example, you are laying the foundation and setting your expectations. This works better than a “do as I say, not as I do!” reactionary approach that makes your teen more rebellious.

Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro, All rights reserved.