My whole personality changed after my adventure. How can I make sure this doesn’t ruin my marriage?
Sometimes I hear from people who really want to save their marriage after making the mistake of cheating or having an affair, but they are not sure if this will be possible due to a change that has occurred within them.
I heard of a wife who said, “I know cheating is wrong. And if you had told me two years ago that I was having an affair, I would have called you a liar. I reconnected with an old boyfriend at a high school reunion. When i was with the other guy i also reconnected with a lot of friends from high school i started going out just to relax and have a good time which is something i haven’t done in years i am mostly a wife and a mom and i have to admit that I live for my family. I consider my most important job to be making sure my kids grow up to be good, productive people. So I give everything I have to each other and there’s very little left for me. I guess that’s why I was so attracted to her. the affair and the other man. When I was with him, I felt free. I felt like a different person. And I really liked who I became when I was with him. Of course, my husband found out about it and told me if I didn’t I would break it right away. he mind would fight me for the custody of my children. He didn’t need me to threaten me, he would have broken it on my own. He never wanted to separate my family, mainly for the sake of my children. My husband and I are working very hard to make it work. I don’t know if I’d handle it as well as him if the roles had been reversed. He’s angry, but to his credit, he puts that aside to try to work things out. The problem is that the matter changed me in some way. I feel restless. I feel like I have to go back to being the same boring person now. I feel like I have to put other people’s lives before my own and that I will never be that happy and lucky person that I had come to truly love. Will my marriage be able to survive if the affair has changed me?
This is a very common concern. I often hear from people who say that the adventure showed them what was missing in life. They will often say that the affair made them feel more “alive” and that they don’t want to give up this sense of excitement even though many want to save their marriage.
As the spouse on the other side of the issue, I haven’t experienced this firsthand, but I get it. And I think you don’t have to give up new aspects of your personality just to save your marriage. In fact, if you try, your marriage could fail because you’ll feel like you’re giving up something for your spouse and you shouldn’t feel that way. Instead, you should look at it like you’re winning something.
Your spouse may be receptive to changing your life to make both of you happier: Whether you realize it or not, your spouse probably wants you both to be happy. Your spouse may realize that if you’re unhappy or restless, then you’re more likely to cheat again, and no one wants this.
The real secret to all of this is getting your spouse involved in your newfound thrill-seeking. Nothing says you can’t involve your spouse in this new aspect of your life. Perhaps your spouse also feels a lack of emotion in his or her own life. He can take any suggestions you may have.
How to make the change request without any feeling of pain: Many spouses tell me they are afraid of hurting their spouse’s feelings or sounding dissatisfied or critical if they voice their concerns. I can tell you that I’d rather my husband be honest with me than continue to be unhappy and risk cheating on me again.
I think there is a way to approach this without sounding judgmental. A suggested script might go something like, “I’m happy that we seem to be making progress in our marriage. I’m committed to making sure our marriage is as strong as it can be and that we’re both happy and safe. How do you feel like scheduling a time away from the kids? I think it’s important that we have fun together alone. I’d like to go out with friends sometimes or just relax other times without our lives revolving around being parents. You know I love our kids more than anything and that being a parent is my top priority. But I want our marriage and being a whole individual to be a priority too. We need to charge our batteries. And we need to have fun on our own. I want to live with a sense of excitement and anticipation. How do you feel about this? Can you share with me what could make you happier?”
In this way, you are inviting your spouse to negotiate. You are offering to do whatever it takes to make them happy, and you expect them to reciprocate. Notice that nothing in this script sounded accusatory and I never focused on the fact that the wife had changed. I just emphasized the fact that she wanted fun in her life and she wanted that fun to be with her husband. In this way, it is a win-win situation for both parties.