Marriage After Infidelity: Being Truly Validated and Heard

In a marriage after an infidelity it is important to continue charging.

By charging I mean continually addressing issues that are extremely important to building deeper and richer intimacy, understanding, and the ability to listen and be heard.

You do this in a neutral way: you don’t react, you don’t explode, you don’t start being passive-aggressive, you don’t have a continual need to explain, you don’t defend yourself.

It’s an ability I call neutral charge.

Below is a case study where the woman thinks she is charging neutral, but there is not enough charge in neutral.

Read what it says:

I am, by nature, a somewhat passionate communicator. (I am a teacher and an inspirational speaker.) I love my life and enthusiastically launch into verbal conquests with my friends who enjoy stimulation and see me as a talented and compassionate person. In my marriage, this basic quality of my personality has been repeatedly invalidated. So now I can see that the only way to communicate peacefully is to go against my own nature most of the time (ie walking on eggshells…) This is a huge amount of work and I’m not sure it has improved. a lot. I often walk away feeling depressed, with my worries trivialized. The infidelity ended three years ago and there is still no sign of empathy and our overall communication remains poor. Neutral charging is a welcome tool, but I think there are many other serious issues that still need to be addressed. The other problem is that there is no agreement for the cheater to get the insightful advice needed to deal with the narcissistic tendencies and denial that abound. It seems easier for this person to project guilt than to acknowledge the depth of responsibility that exists when one chooses to leave the marriage for a relationship (embedded affair two years after at least one known emotional affair). We are simply coexisting. Right now, I stay in the shadows most of the time trying to keep the peace and show love to my teenagers.

Here are some comments on your situation and neutral charge:

1. Charging neutral is not being passive, it is not burying oneself or remaining in the shadows.
2. She is right. There seem to be underlying issues of control, power, and personal protection.
3. He is very afraid of blame and criticism, and who wouldn’t be after splashing around in the mud and mire of an affair.
4. Charge neutral is a happy medium between being sweet and kind and reacting angrily with little control over words and actions.
5. Charging neutral means stating one’s position clearly unapologetically and with inner calm. (Easier said than done!)
6. Let me put a few words in your mouth that might prompt you to use the neutral charge ability very powerfully:

I am a passionate person. I have been affirmed by others. I would like to be affirmed in an intimate relationship with a man.

I will continue to express myself passionately. That is a big part of who I am. My intention is not to overwhelm or criticize you. I just want to expose my position and what is important to me in a passionate way.

I think at some point you loved my passion, is not it? To remember? I remember feeling loved and accepted by you, especially when I’m passionate about it. I wonder what happened?

I don’t like walking on eggshells. And that’s how I feel most of the time. I hate it. I want to feel free with you. I feel this tension when I’m around you. Sometimes I wonder, what is it going to cost me to change that? (I wonder what it is in me that is afraid of you.)

Perhaps I am afraid that what I say will be criticized. I hate that feeling I have then. My stomach churns, I feel like crawling away. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit, and I’ve struggled with it. It’s time for me to start believing in myself. (Better watch out, buster!)

I’m not sure how long I can keep living this way. At some point, and I’m not sure when, I will draw a line or something will happen that will draw the line. I will NOT live like this forever.

I wonder why it’s so important for you to blame me. I wonder what scares you? I wonder why you hold on to yourself so much…

Yes, there is a charge on the neutral charge. That charge often creates movement, clarification, release, and relief from repressed feelings and nagging thoughts.