How to have limits in the pandemic
Maintaining boundaries is a challenge for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantining with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could at least create a physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even going on excursions.
All of that has changed. People who have been lonely and alone realize how much they need others. Some couples are closer, while others are headed for divorce. Drug and alcohol abuse has increased, as have mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.
A recent study from the UK reveals some interesting statistics:
We all have needs for independence and closeness. But when we are around our partner and family all the time, tensions rise. It is no wonder that domestic violence is on the rise around the world.
Too much togetherness can make intimacy and sex feel undesirable. On the other hand, many of us are home alone and miss the closeness with family and friends that Zoom doesn’t deliver. For some people in the pandemic, instead of tangled, tangled boundaries, the quarantine has created artificially rigid boundaries because we are alone more than we want to be. It is easier to find balance when we are not alone or with our family or partner 24/7.
However, the limits include more than the physical space. We can be thousands of miles from someone and still be obsessed with them, or we can be sleeping next to our spouse and feel a million miles away. Therefore, limits are also emotional. These invisible boundaries are more difficult to recognize and maintain.
tangled relationships
You may be wondering if your relationship is codependent or interdependent. No borders, it comes first; the relationship is “entangled”. We don’t know where we end and the other person begins. We are reactive. We project our feelings onto them or feel responsible for their feelings, needs, and sometimes even their actions. We blame and become critical, irritable, and defensive.
Boundaries and Relationships
Emotional boundaries are vital. Relationships don’t work without them. They blur when you don’t have a strong sense of self and then start to react and feel responsible for other people’s needs and feelings. You risk missing out. Couples then become very reactive and have endless big fights.
With healthy boundaries, you feel separate. This allows two whole beings to really be closer. Other people’s feelings and words do not confuse you or lower your self-esteem.
Boundaries tell someone how you want to be treated. They communicate the behavior you expect. Relationships suffer when your rights, needs and space are not respected. You build feelings that lead to walls instead of soft boundaries. So, you lose the closeness that you also want.
Physical boundaries can be helpful, like bouncing back from a disagreement and centering yourself. But all the space in the world won’t stop you from obsessing over another person or reacting to a text.
Boundaries can become blurred when we function in multiple roles, such as being in business with our partner or friend. Working at home can create a boundary problem. For example, if we can’t focus on our work due to distractions, or if our work “personality” spills over into our relationships. Instead, we might use work to create artificial boundaries in our partner’s space. This can lead to a breakdown in communication.
Boundaries also build trust, because the other person knows they can’t take advantage of you and that you’re being genuine. Some people react to your limits with anger or hurt. That indicates that relationship and communication problems need attention. Couples therapy can help.
Set limits
Setting limits is hard. Codependents often feel caught between feeling resentment when they don’t set limits and when they do. Learning to configure them is a process. First, you must be able to identify your needs and feelings. So you must value them and believe that you have rights. Then, build up the courage to express them. Take time to learn to be assertive.
When we don’t take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to family members. We burn! Creating boundaries in the pandemic requires some imagination. Try meditating, get outside, have a hobby to make time and space to focus mentally and emotionally in a way that is nurturing and rejuvenating.
Sometimes, especially with children and bullies, there must be a consequence to enforce a limit. That requires more courage and the right words to say it respectfully and not punitively.
When limits don’t work, there are reasons. For one thing, you need to keep them consistent. Like training a child or a dog. When you allow your rules to be violated, you are communicating that you have changed your mind or that the limit was not important in the first place. When setting boundaries with someone who has a personality disorder, such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, the guidelines for dealing with abuse are somewhat different. Get professional help.
© 2021 Darlene Lancer