Cotard Syndrome – Can’t You Realize I’m Already Dead?
I couldn’t sleep more than four hours a night. Every face I saw was already rotting, before my very eyes. I couldn’t stop seeing the inside of my own coffin, every time I closed my eyes. I had to force myself to eat, because the morbid and macabre images were so palpable that they made me nauseated. More than once, I felt like running out into traffic, watching cars pass through my ghostly form; more than once I expected to see the doctors trying to revive me, through an advertising poster. He couldn’t stop these thoughts, and they became more and more disturbing as time went on. I was afraid to tell anyone, because I was afraid that I was crazy… or maybe that my fears were true… that I was already dead.
How did this devastating disorder start? I fell from a great height and suffered a concussion? Did I suddenly and inexplicably develop dementia? Had I been hypnotized? Nope; They just gave me the wrong cocktail of drugs, for a mental illness that a health professional thought I had.
This thought form has a name: Cotard Syndrome. After doing some research, I discovered that it was first diagnosed in the late 1800’s by a French psychologist. He had a patient come in who believed his body was already dead, and simply animated by his own iron will. It was devastating for the old man, who wanted to commit acts of suicide to prove that he was already dead. The horror of all this is that, to the affected mind, it seems to make perfect sense. After all, if the brain retains an electrical charge for up to six months after death, isn’t it possible that we are already dead, experiencing some kind of dream from our previous lives? Movies like “The Matrix” and “The Sixth Sense,” and shows like “Buffy: the Vampire Slayer,” didn’t help much, either: Fascinating as they were, they were also disturbing enough to harbor the concept of postmortem mental incarceration in deep in my psyche
How did I get over it? Not easily, that’s for sure. The first step was to realize what the Bible says. Unfortunately, the Bible offers what appear to be different perspectives on death, depending on the book and the testament. In Ecclesiastes and some of the Psalms, for example, the dead are spoken of as being in an unconscious state of sleep. However, in the New Testament, both Christ and Paul make allusions to existence beyond death. Either way, if you are conscious after death, there is only one destiny for you; and it is neither to wander the Earth as a ghost, nor to rot in your own body. No, it would seem to be Hades, where all the dead are kept until Judgment Day; at which point they will be sent to Heaven or Hell, as their final destinations. Either way, you don’t remain conscious in your dead body: of that we can be sure.
The next thing I had to do was decide whether to pursue the possibility that he was dead or live a life in what might very well be a wonderland of my own design. For one thing, I’ve never been one to avoid the truth out of comfort. I have searched for the truth in search of consolation, yes; but, when it came to choosing between the two, he always chose the path of modesty. In this case, however, I realized that there would be nothing I could do about my death. Still, if this world were my creation, I would be like the God of this world; which meant I could make a much better life for myself. The pragmatic choice, then, was obvious: I would choose to live in the supposed illusion of life.
My third step was to force my mind to stay off the subject and defy my own physical revulsions. I stared at the others on purpose, when I saw their bodies rotting before my eyes. I deliberately forced myself to eat and concentrated on the taste of the food. I would force myself to block out all distractions, usually playing Kid Rock’s “Only God Knows Why” repeatedly in my head, until I could feel it burrowing through the folds of my own brain, so I could sleep. He savored the dreams he had, no matter how morbid, disturbing, or pointless. I forced myself to feel happy and take note of every little detail of this life. I soon realized that there were too many contradictions in this world, too many differences between this version of reality and my ideal version (after all, I was homeless and broke, forced to take drugs to plant the authorities in my life). ), – so that this reality is truly of my own design.
The last, and certainly the most potentially dangerous, of all the steps was to get off the drugs that were undoubtedly causing me so much distress. Let me tell you: in 100+ degree weather, severely dehydrated is not easy. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone without the help of a trained professional. In this case, however, it was so distressing and my transition to another place so imminent that I had no choice. I eventually stopped taking both of my medications: Depakote ER and Risperidal (500 mg twice daily and 50 mg once daily, respectively). After nearly a month of its effects wearing off, I found that my cognition was more frantic, but enjoyable; and I was able to think more clearly. In fact, I had come to the revelation that I was mainly influenced by two factors: the news about how the last episode of “The Sopranos” ended, and my seriously inadequate medication.
Cotard syndrome is still something I deal with every day. I have to constantly remind myself that this is not a zombie’s nightmare; nor am I a rotten return. However, I am well enough now to relegate that theory to an afterthought. I got over it, with good old-fashioned deductive reasoning and self-awareness. Unfortunately, it is often far from being that simple…
If you, or someone you know, has symptoms of Cotard’s Syndrome, DO NOT seek suicide, just because you think you may already be dead! I can’t stress that enough! You should continue to consider the possibility that you may be alive and your brain is simply not working properly, for whatever reason. Get help, from a competent professional, IMMEDIATELY! Above all, find someone you can trust and talk about it with them. And remember: one of the ways we know we’re alive is because the world is in such a bad shape… and one of the reasons we have to live is because we can do something about it; At least for those around us.
May God bless each and every one of you, in every way imaginable.
~D~