A divorced father’s day gift FROM the father to his children

If you’re divorced, Father’s Day can be painful. He may be thinking that he has missed out on being the best father to his children, since he doesn’t live with them full time. Actually, that is not true. In fact, it may be just the opposite. You have the opportunity to be a better father now.

Most parents considering divorce are concerned about the effect on their children. However, in my clinical experience, there is a chance that a father’s relationship with his children will improve once he is not in daily contact with his wife.

Many men tell me that to avoid ongoing conflict and tension with their wives, they don’t come home right away and stay up late to avoid having to face her. However, that also means that they are not seeing their children.

So one of the benefits of living apart is that you can actually spend more time with your children. When they have regular parenting time, they have to make the effort to see their children, and it’s easier to do that when they don’t have to face their spouse.

Another benefit, especially if the children spend blocks of time with the father, is that he is the only parent present. This means that he is responsible for his homework, doctor’s appointments, and after-school activities. He can get to know his friends by driving them around or hosting their sleepovers. He gets to know their lives.

Of course, it’s better if the parents can work out their problems, but if not, divorce doesn’t have to be horrible. Long-term follow-up research on children of divorce shows what I have found in my office. Divorced is not harmful to children – it is the parent relationship during the divorce, and afterwards, that makes a difference. If parents can divorce respectfully, children don’t suffer.

Many children tell me that they enjoy being with their father much more after the divorce. It’s more involved, it’s even more fun.

So this Father’s Day, and at least once or twice a week, consider spending time with each of your children separately. That way, you can give each of them your full attention and get to know them individually. This is especially important, because if the separation/divorce is not amicable, the children may blame you. Having them together allows them to attack you or ignore you. You have a better chance of getting to know them, and they get to know you, if you don’t have to deal with several children at the same time.