When I tell my husband that his cheating destroyed my self-esteem, he says his confidence is also low.
Many wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair will tell you that this process has affected their self-esteem or self-worth. This may not make sense unless you’ve been cheated on, but being cheated on by your spouse can make you feel like you’re less than everyone else and that you weren’t very smart or observant for this to happen to you. Therefore, you may be angry with yourself on many levels for allowing this to happen. I know this may sound crazy, but it’s true. Many wives share their frustrations about this with their husbands and are surprised when he states that his self-esteem and self-respect have also been affected. This upsets many wives because they think that not only is he not validating their feelings, but now he is trying to play the victim to take their breath away.
She might say, “One of the biggest struggles I’m having after my husband’s affair is with my self-esteem. I’ve always considered myself a strong person. I don’t let people walk all over me and I speak up. I get up when I feel that they don’t listen to me or take advantage of me. I like to think of myself as competent personally and professionally. However, now that I’m considering trying to work on my marriage after my husband cheated on me, frankly, I think less of myself. I see myself as a meek homemaker with no self respect ok I could support myself and one of the biggest reasons I’m still here is for my kids but still I shared this with my husband and I expected him to tell me that this was nonsense because I was strong and that I certainly wasn’t letting him go that easily, but do you know what his response was, that he understands because he feels less selfish and respect too. What? How does it make sense unto? I’m the one who stays when I’m the hurt one. party. I was the one who was betrayed. So why do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Why cheating men may have self-esteem issues: I can pass on what many men have told me and what I have read. I am in no way defending her husband. But men can take a hit with their self-esteem and self-respect because they are embarrassed and ashamed of their choices. They betrayed their family. They put at risk what they valued most. And they can feel very helpless when they go to fix it. They can’t take your pain away. They can’t make you believe that they’re sorry and that they won’t cheat on you again. They can’t get this back. They can only feebly try to make a bad situation better, all the while knowing that the people they love are suffering because of their own actions. They may wonder how they could have been so stupid.
So yes, what your husband is saying is not entirely unusual. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t validate your concerns as well. He may not be consciously trying to draw attention to himself or deflect from his own concerns, but I can see why he would think that and he would feel angry. Ironically, often the person who cheated and the person who was cheated feel exactly the same way when faced with the consequences: frustrated, angry, helpless, scared, and incompetent. Of course, they feel this way for different reasons. And the person who didn’t cheat doesn’t really deserve to feel that way because you really are the hurt (but innocent) party.
Ideas that can offer some relief: If it helps, I’ll tell you some things that helped my self-esteem. She was angry with herself because she was not suspicious of the matter, but in truth, it was when my husband was in another area for work. So I consciously decided that unless she was just a paranoid wife who was overly suspicious of her husband, why would she have seen it coming? I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, as trusting spouses are supposed to. It was unfair of me to blame myself for that. Another place where I hit myself was that I was worried that I was no longer attractive. I worried that I had lost my looks and that my husband would never genuinely love or desire me. But then I realized that he looked the same as he had the week before the adventure. And at the time, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my appearance, but I wasn’t considered horrible either. I addressed issues that bothered me (like my teeth), but I didn’t go crazy with unrealistic changes. I’m a mom. I’m of a certain age. I decided to take care of myself and be healthy, but beyond that, I’m not going to chase unrealistic ideals. As for the decision to stay, yes, my children influenced me. But I stayed because I love my husband, my marriage, and my family. This does not make me weak, uneducated or a pushover. It means that I am someone who prioritized my family more than being angry. It means I’m more of a problem solver than a runaway. My decisions weren’t the right ones for everyone, but I made them and I wasn’t going to feel “less than” for them. I am still a strong and capable person and I am sure you are too.
If you don’t like your husband deviating from your own self-esteem, you can try something like, “Well, I guess we can empathize with how the other person is feeling. For me, I’m going to do a lot.” of self-employment to regain my self-esteem and I hope you will support me in that, since you know how I feel.