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The limits of feminine language – Women in communication

In today’s world of Venus and Mars relationships, we have become quite familiar with the concept that men and women communicate differently. We also hear, ad nauseam, how communication failures are the root cause of everything that goes wrong in our romantic relationships. But for women, the communication gaps are based on both cross-gender and similar-gender. The way we communicate the events of our life changes depending on who we are talking to. It happens equally between sisters and husbands, parents and bosses, girlfriends and co-workers.

So is there one “correct” way to communicate in all the different relationships we have? Are there guidelines about what we should tell friends, boyfriends, roommates, family members, and coworkers? Can we really “figure out” and create boundaries for female language?

The confusion starts with us as women. Even within our own gender there are different styles of communication. We have a friend who is an open book. We know intimate details about their relationships. We can recite your problems with your boss and coworkers. We have listened to all the arguments that he has had with his parents. And we know too much about every detail of his sex life. She tells us everything and, although sometimes she makes us uncomfortable, we love her. The prevailing question is: “does she talk like that to everyone?” Do you tell her parents, bosses, co-workers, and casual acquaintances the same stories with the same level of detail? Probably.

Then there’s our other best friend. She is calm and reserved. We know what he does for a living and who he’s dating. We know where your parents live and your general aspirations in life. He never goes into too much detail, though, and we often find out about things after the fact. We think, “We’re the best of friends, how could we not know?” And, while we’d like to know more, we love her. The prevailing question here is: “Does he really open up to someone?” Do her parents or her boyfriend know her true feelings? Probably not.

But no matter what communication style we have, we still alter what we say when we talk to different people in our lives. Why? According to Deborah Tannen in the groundbreaking book You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (Ballentine Books, 1990), female communication styles tend to seek intimacy. The women try to “negotiate friendship networks, minimize differences, try to reach a consensus and avoid the appearance of superiority, which would highlight the differences.” Our communication style is a “close” negotiation where people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and reach a consensus. So efficiently, women are trying to achieve relationship and intimacy and therefore we will modify our feminine language to suit the people we are talking to. In an effort to create bonds, feminine language takes on an element of sensitivity to those around us.

Let’s see this in action. You just received an amazing promotion and raise. You are ambitious and hardworking. You have been fighting for this promotion for a long time and you are proud to have won it. You can’t wait to share your good news, but can you present it in the same way to everyone? In an effort to be sensitive, how does your conversation with your unemployed brother and executive best friend change? How do you tell your Parents to be proud and your husband who cares about being the main breadwinner? What do you say to your jealous coworker versus the ambitious one? The bottom line is how should female language change with the people in your inner circle?

unemployed brother
Anyone who is unemployed will have a unique sensitivity to your news. While you don’t want to avoid telling your family, you may want to reserve your “excess” emotion for someone else. You can offer fewer details about the promotion and simply indicate how it makes you feel. Given the situation, your brother may have many different reactions to your promotion that really have nothing to do with you personally. Although he or she is likely to congratulate you, he or she recognizes that he or she may not express enthusiasm or joy for you. Of course, also keep in mind that if he just lost his job, this same brother would probably be the best person to talk to and could offer great empathy and compassion.

executive best friend
Here is someone who has worked hard (like you) and been rewarded (like you). Your shared experiences give you a platform to shout from the rooftops and receive great feedback. No one else can truly understand your current level of enthusiasm. Your friend’s excited reaction will make you feel closer and grateful. The details may or may not be important, but with this friend, you can unleash your excitement and pure delight.

Proud father
Even as an adult, your parents are often your biggest fans and your harshest critics. Whether you like to admit it or not, you still want his approval no matter how old, independent, or successful you are. In short, your parents’ opinions are still extremely important. He wants his mom and dad to respect his choices and be proud of his accomplishments. In this conversation, you can offer many details about your new promotion: your title, your new office, your benefits, and depending on your family limits, your new salary. These are all status symbols, and in a deserved attempt to seek recognition, the details are given a valued importance. Of course, sharing details with your parents also has limits. You may want to keep the facts of that embarrassing night of celebration away from your parents.

Bread Winning Husband or Boyfriend
In her book, Tannen makes it clear that women want intimacy and closeness through their conversations with both men and women. But what do men want? Male conversations tend to be “negotiations in which people try to gain and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others’ attempts to bring them down… Life, then, is a competition, a struggle to preserve independence.” and avoid failure. With this status-based mindset, a man might be overly sensitive to your current promotion. This does not mean that you should hide or downplay your news. It simply means that you need to recognize how some men can react and not be disappointed if their response is less than ideal. Like the unemployed brother, he can just be sensitive that he is sensitive. He’ll share the news and excitement about it, but perhaps wait to share the details of the promotion until he asks and is genuinely interested.

Jealous coworker vs. ambitious coworker
The jealous coworker is deceitful. After all, it’s not your problem that they’re jealous. However, if we’re being honest, we’re still worried about how our good news will be taken. Again, in an attempt to be sensitive, moderation may be more practical. Don’t hold back from sharing the news, but don’t give your coworker too much detail to get upset. The ambitious coworker, on the other hand, may see his new promotion as a potential path of advancement. Focus on how the company deals with achievers through internal promotion. This is not the time to brag. However, you can let your enthusiasm and passion shine through and show how hard work pays off.

The bottom line is that people interpret all conversations through their own perceived experiences. If we ask an unemployed person if they have found a job, a childless couple if they want to conceive, or an injured person if they are sad because they cannot run, it can be interpreted (no matter how it is understood) as caring or inconsiderate. We really have no control over how our conversation or questions will be perceived. However, this does not mean that we should refrain from communicating the events of our lives. As women, we have the distinctive honor of being sensitive and adjusting our feminine language.

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