My spouse is loving his freedom during our trial separation. How can I get it back now?

If you ask your estranged husband how he is feeling during your separation, he often expects phrases like “lonely,” “depressed,” or “confused.”

So when you get a response like “released” instead, not only does it hurt, it’s also very confusing. It may make you wonder if it will be possible to save your marriage when your husband seems to be enjoying the separation.

Someone might ask, “To be honest, I was the one who brought up the idea of ​​a separation. Although looking back, I think what I really wanted was for my husband to tell me that not only did he not want a separation, but that he loved me and that he was going to rise to the occasion to figure things out. I never thought he would actually pull it off and I certainly never thought he would enjoy it, but he has. One clue that something was wrong was that he stopped calling me so often And when we did talk, he never seemed to have time to actually talk for a longer period of time. Finally, I asked him if he liked the separate life, hoping he would say he didn’t like it very much. But his answer was “it’s so liberating. “He surprised me and asked him to explain more. And he said that it’s easier to be happier in life when you only have to worry about one person. He says he feels a sense of freedom knowing that he doesn’t have to walk on the egg. more shell s. This hurts me. I never anticipated that he would enjoy the separation. I want to say something to change my mind, but I don’t know what. How can I approach this? “

Beware of desperate responses: It is true that this is complicated. Because many of the answers that seem logical here may seem hopeless. Options like, “Well, it must be nice not having responsibilities” or “I hope you don’t mean it because I’m devastated and I want you to want our marriage again,” sound sarcastic or born of despair. Therefore, they may not get the result you want and may even make things worse.

Know that he may have specific motivations for portraying himself in this way Before I get to a suggestion on what you could say to open up a positive dialogue, I want to suggest that your husband might have other motivations for telling you that he feels liberated, besides trying to share his feelings innocently. He may want you to think that he is doing very well because it hurts him that you have pushed for a separation. Because he feels a little rejected, he may think that you deserve to feel a little negative, too.

People are not always honest about their experience during separation. There were certainly times in my own separation when I wanted my husband to think that I was doing much better than he really was. I don’t consider myself a dishonest person, but sometimes there is a little strategy involved.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take your spouse at face value or that you should automatically assume that you are not being sincere. I’m just telling you that sometimes, not everything a separated spouse says is going to be completely accurate, even if they don’t mean to lie.

Opening the door to positive conversation: Let’s go back to the possible conversations that may be had about this. Know that one option is to say nothing and just wait to see if things are going to change. Sometimes your spouse just needs time to miss you and nothing is going to change this less than simply giving you more time. Therefore, you must be careful when opening a door if it is not really necessary.

If you do that and you don’t see results or for some reason you don’t want to wait, then I would try a conversation that doesn’t sound critical or desperate. A suggestion might be: “Well, I admit this was not what I expected or expected to hear. But I can see where a break from drama and tension can be a relief. I can understand that. But in the days to come, the way how we feel may change. I would like to ask you to be open and honest with me. My hope is that we continue to communicate and remain honest. Because my ultimate goal is that we improve our marriage during the separation and not harm it. Can we commit to communicating regularly “I won’t try to make you feel guilty or bad. I just want to be in touch.”