Men in Therapy
This book should be read by the psychotherapists for whom it is intended and also by anyone, man or woman, who wants to better understand why men are the way we are.
David Wexler draws on a wealth of research and his own experience as a father, husband, and man who doesn’t understand women to offer guidance to therapists seeking new ways to help their male clients.
If the book has a limitation, it is that, while it is brilliant in clarifying the male mind of the last two generations, it barely addresses today’s youth who, in my opinion, differ from their fathers and grandfathers in that they have few difficulties to express yourself. emotions, changing diapers or acknowledging their feelings.
These older men were raised to show no emotion, to hold back tears, and never admit vulnerability or sensitivity. As a consequence, Wexler writes, when they’re upset they don’t even acknowledge feelings of loss, sadness and depression, for example. Instead, they experience anger.
A man’s anger, stemming from a fear of abandonment by a woman, only serves to alienate the very person he loves. In the chapter on relationships, Wexler offers guidance on how to deal with underlying fears such a man isn’t even aware of.
Several chapters have lists of Rules. In the section on Men Abusing Women, the author offers Nine Rules. The first is excellent (although modern men, despite being attuned to their feelings or perhaps because of it, seem to largely ignore it): “We are all 100% responsible for our own behavior.”
But how can a misogynistic wife-beating guy accept Rule Two: “Violence is not an acceptable solution to problems”? The United States is immersed in violence as a solution to problems. This was the fundamental reason for the birth of the United States. It’s what white hat cowboys wore against black hats. It is the excuse to invade Grenada, Iraq, Afghanistan. It is the justification of the right to bear arms.
While the book covers a lot of territory, something about the author’s justification of his credentials for writing the chapter “When Women Treat Men” made me uneasy. He admits: “I feel a little uncomfortable writing this chapter. I would feel presumptuous (as a white man) to write a chapter on the experiences African-American therapists face when treating white men…” [Although there is a chapter on white males treating “Men of Color”]. She then goes on to proclaim “…over the years I have supervised many female therapists, I have co-led groups with many female therapists, I have reviewed many articles on this topic written by therapists, I have been in therapy with female therapists myself, and I have a wife who is a female therapist”.
The author’s many other instances of self-disclosure allow the (male) reader to identify with familiar themes, for example, doubts about being a good father to his son.
Wexler’s extensive experience dealing with men individually and in groups infuses the text with a wealth of illuminating explanations made memorable by its snappy tags (for example, Mom’s “Broken Mirror” not reflecting back to her son what she child longs to see), lists (for example, “The Four Pillars of Intimacy”), and references to books, movies, and television shows (particularly The Sopranos).
Each chapter is a standalone piece. Not surprising, as the chapter on depression is largely taken from an earlier Wexler book and the first chapter seems to be an entire research paper with choppy reading because almost every sentence ends with a reference.
Wexler warns about transference and countertransference. But elements of many psychological approaches besides psychoanalysis are intertwined in the text. Such as attachment theory, cognitive dissonance, control and dominance, feminist theory, family systems, CBT, and even Zen Buddhism.
I am so impressed with this book that I have prescribed it to several clients who want to better understand the men in their lives.