How to impress a cat
1. Don’t even try.
The more you try to impress your cat, the less impressed he will remain. Be clear right now, nothing you do as a human mom will impress the cat. Don’t even try. Puh-lease. . . !
2. Have someone else try it.
This works every time. Get someone else to run the old impress-the-cat routine. Any self-respecting cat will inevitably be unimpressed by the other mere human and select you for his favors due to the fact that you are obviously a mere human with less initiative and therefore easier to manipulate. This includes food, toys, and anything else you can think of. Get the other human mother to do it and soon you’ll have a purring ball of fluff in your lap.
3. Ignore the dog.
In fact, ignore all other pets, people, and things. He acts deaf and dumb around family members. Never watch television. Don’t use the phone. Above all, show no interest in having any other human or animal share your space. Cats just can’t understand how you can top them in your utter disregard for each other’s existence. Eventually, they will give in to their curiosity and come to see you. If he then shows even a twinge of interest in their presence, they are his for life. That is respect.
4. Never stop doing your best.
This is like the private soldier digging a trench, then plugging it up, and then digging it up again. . . It is about the will of the human mother to jump through hoops endlessly. Aww, don’t you like the food, the same food you’ve begged for a thousand times in the last week alone? Here’s some fresh food! And more you wait after that when that doesn’t come up to standard too! Damn the expense. Damn the hassle! Damn accusing looks! Wait, let me run to the store in a panic to find another food you don’t like. Let me put up with your silent accusations of trying to poison you, you little jerk. Let me wonder how a human mother can satisfy you. After all, I’m just doing the best I can.
5. Pay more attention to the cat than to your girlfriend.
Ah, the drama. Ah, the tears. Oh, how impressive that a human mother would risk her reputation as a man and her future chances of romantic commitment by paying more attention to a pet than to an important person. What a guy! What a loser! Cats love the ambiguity such multiple loyalties engender.
6. Keep the litter box tidy.
Well, this one doesn’t really impress, but it does limit negative reactions, which is the best you can hope for.
7. Imitate a ball of fur.
Cats are very shocked when they see a mere human vomit something. Any human mother who can do that with ease and the appropriate sound effects deserves to be inducted into the Feline Fellow (if Minor) Honorary Club. She practices throwing until it becomes second nature to you. She will never achieve exalted status with this method, but she will experience a change from total disdain to grudging respect.