Help, my daughter spends too much time with her boyfriend
One of the most common calls I get is from a father concerned that his daughter is spending too much time with her boyfriend … “I keep telling her to split her time with her friends and school, but she ignores me.”
You know the setting, your pre-teen daughter comes to the breakfast table one morning and you realize that she has been abducted by aliens and replaced by this, this ‘woman’.
When did it happen? Where was it? Oh my gosh, by the little princess she is now a TEEN and looks 20!
Yes, and she has her own identity and it’s not the one you gave her, it’s her version! Now what?
It seems that he is no longer dependent on your every word and has his own opinion, his own agenda and his own friends (not one of the play dates you set) and now a BOYFRIEND!
Oh, and this boy is special. When he calls or texts you, you see a flash of light coming from the room where your daughter once was … Suddenly, she is so focused on her need or request. (Wouldn’t you like her to be so focused on her task)? You may not see her for hours. What did they talk about for so long?
There is no time to have lunch with mom or go to the mall, she is too busy talking on the phone or chatting with him. Or run out to meet him. But the question is where? Doing what? With whom and why so often? How is school going? What about dinner time? What about family night? Where is she?
He loved Mexican food, now he “hates” it. She will no longer wear that cute outfit that you bought together. She starts dressing different … not necessarily bad, just different … Now she’s watching different TV shows and she’s using a different language. I don’t know what he’s talking about!
Your question: How do I get my daughter back?
My answer: You do not. You get a new version and a new and improved one. (Kind of like Microsoft updates, you can try to keep it as is, but it won’t work for long and doing so will cause chaos.) Get used to it!
How do YOU feel about this?
Well, if you are like most parents, you long to have your little angel back.
You don’t know how to start a conversation without it turning into an argument. You want to avoid confrontation but have many questions:
- Where are you going?
- When will you be at home?
- Who are you going with?
- Him again? Didn’t you see it yesterday?
- Are you having sex?
- Are you using protection?
- That their parents do?
- What do you think of the two of you spending so much time together?
- Do they think you are having SEX?
How can I contact her? I just want to protect her. Why don’t you listen to me? That I have to do?
And remember, you are not the only one who thinks …
“I don’t think they are having sex but …”
First of all, as my girlfriend and trusted colleague says, “If your ‘uh oh’ meter is high … there’s probably something else too …” Got it right?
What is the next step? How is this gap closed?
Well, communication comes first, and we all know how difficult it is to do that with a teenager. Offer to take her boyfriend out for dinner or an outing where you can also spend time with him. I know this sounds simple, but many of us parents don’t want to do this because we seem to be tolerating the relationship.
Next, set limits. Tell them both that you appreciate their friendship, but that education and family are still in the foreground. When there are expectations up front, it will be easier for everyone to accept the rules and follow them.
Then, if there is an indication that they have been or will be intimate, you should talk to your daughter about it and make an appointment with her pediatrician or gynecologist. Don’t make this your payback, just keep it clear and realistic. Explain: if this is going to be part of your life and you want to behave like an adult, it is time for you to take the necessary precautions and take care of yourself.
We all want our daughters to remain our girls, but they grow up. With your love and guidance, you will become a very proud woman.